Keep Your Joy

Laugh out Loud

Sex Jokes

• I'm a practicing heterosexual, but bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
• Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture the moment.
• Why is sex like a game of bridge? -You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
• Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for." It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."

Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.

What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride.

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his lover to get in from work. An hour before the lover was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting his lover, he phoned to say that he wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my lover gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a pool boy?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with him instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the pool boy."

71-Sticking two fingers in a his ass while 69-ing.

ABC's-A fairly standard rating system by which all men can be categorized:
A - I'd bottom for the right guy.
B - I'd let him swallow my hot load.
C - I wouldn't fuck him with someone else's dick.

A fireman and his lover were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when ~ the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire. So he went home and told his lover: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're going to use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."
The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His lover ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and his lover took off his clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than his lover suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!" "What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"

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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

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This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!"

"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

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Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Cheers Mick

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Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."

The boss says, "What's that?"

Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."

They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."

Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"

The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

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Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

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Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

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